Lies Small Church Pastors Believe: I Must Avoid Conflict Or People Will Leave

Is Avoiding Conflict The Best Way to Grow The Church?

Introduction

In our small church communities, one pervasive fear burdens many pastors: the belief that any sign of conflict might drive people away, fracturing the fellowship we have worked so diligently to build. We are small churches, with few people. Surely keeping the people we have is the most important thing! I remember a friend once talking about the early years of his church planting journey where the Lord grew their church from 20 to 12 over the first 2 years! But that’s the fear isn’t it - loss. This lie—“I must avoid conflict or people will leave”—has a powerful grip on us, paralysing our willingness to address difficult issues head on. Yet, the reality is that conflict is not the enemy; it is an inevitable part of any authentic community. When approached biblically, conflict becomes an opportunity for growth, healing, and deeper unity.

Many small church pastors wear multiple hats—counselor, teacher, mediator, and friend. The prospect of confrontation can feel like an existential threat. We worry that addressing disagreements might alienate members, sow division, or undermine our fragile unity. But by avoiding conflict, we allow unresolved issues to fester beneath the surface, eventually erupting into greater problems. Jesus Himself did not shy away from confrontation when truth was at stake, as seen throughout the Gospels.

The Biblical Perspective on Conflict

Scripture offers a rich perspective on conflict and reconciliation. In Matthew 18:15, Jesus instructs, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” This command isn’t an endorsement of confrontation for its own sake but an invitation to address issues directly and lovingly. Similarly, in Galatians 2:11–14, Paul confronts Peter about his behaviour—not to shame him, but to preserve the truth of the gospel. Such examples remind us that avoiding conflict does not equate to love. In fact, genuine love often demands speaking truth even when it risks disapproval.

Conflict also refines our character. Jesus warned in Matthew 7:3–5 against noticing the speck in another’s eye while ignoring the plank in our own. When we approach conflict with a willingness to examine our hearts, we open ourselves to God’s transforming work. Our imperfections come into sharper focus, offering us a chance to grow individually and as a congregation. This self-examination is not a sign of weakness; it is a mark of spiritual maturity.

The Dangers of Avoiding Conflict

The fear that addressing conflict might cause people to leave is understandable, but avoiding conflict altogether leads to far more insidious dangers. When we choose silence over honest conversation, resentment builds. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” The soft answer is not a call to ignore problems—it’s a directive to address issues with gentle, thoughtful dialogue. Silence in the face of wrongdoing or discord can be interpreted as acceptance or indifference.

Moreover, unresolved issues create an environment of superficial unity—a “culture of comfortable mediocrity,” as some Christian writers describe it (I’ve found this amazing quote attributed to so many people). Without confronting the underlying problems, the church risks stagnation. Instead of fostering genuine spiritual growth, the community remains on the surface, with wounds that never fully heal. The early church, despite its disagreements, grew stronger through honest correction and open dialogue. We, too, are called to a similar standard of transparency and accountability.

Practical Strategies for Addressing Conflict Biblically

So, how do we, as pastors, transform conflict into an opportunity rather than a threat? The answer lies in a set of biblically grounded strategies that allow us to address conflict without becoming overbearing or autocratic.

Begin with Prayer and Seek Wisdom

Before stepping into any potentially volatile situation, root yourself in prayer. James 1:5 assures us that if anyone lacks wisdom, they should ask God, who gives generously. Ask for discernment, patience, and the grace to see beyond the immediate emotions of the moment. Prayer is not a magic bullet; it is the foundation upon which you build a spirit of humility and clarity.

Practice Active Listening

Listening is an essential first step in any conflict resolution. Yet, it is an area I struggle with - and I would imagine many of us pastors do. My wife in this instance is my guide! Proverbs 18:13 cautions against answering before listening. Take the time to fully understand the other person’s perspective. Active listening communicates that you value their feelings and are genuinely interested in their viewpoint. This process of mutual respect paves the way for reconciliation and trust. I’ve also learned that my listening must be listening rather than active thinking of responses.

Address Issues Privately When Possible

Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 18:15 to speak to a brother or sister privately is a key guideline. Public confrontations can lead to embarrassment and defensive posturing, whereas private conversations preserve dignity and encourage honest dialogue. When you handle issues one-on-one, you create an environment where both parties can engage without fear of public shame.

Speak the Truth in Love

Ephesians 4:15 calls us to grow up into Christ by speaking truth in love. This means being honest about the problem without condemning the person. Focus on the behaviour that needs to change rather than attacking character. By keeping your tone compassionate and respectful, you uphold the dignity of everyone involved while addressing the issue head on.

Encourage a Culture of Accountability

Foster an environment in your church where accountability is shared. Establishing clear guidelines and procedures for addressing grievances—perhaps even modeled on Matthew 18:15–17—helps everyone understand that conflict is not taboo but rather a natural part of communal life. When members know there is a fair and transparent process for handling disagreements, they are more likely to trust that the outcome will be just and restorative.

Reflect on Your Own Heart

Before addressing conflict, take time for self-reflection. Sometimes our reactions to others stem from our personal insecurities or unresolved issues. In 1 Corinthians 11:28–32, Paul challenges believers to examine themselves. By doing so, you not only model humility but also demonstrate that true reconciliation begins with personal accountability.

Follow Up with Compassion

After a conflict has been addressed, follow up with those involved. Healing is a process, and checking in after the initial conversation shows that you care about ongoing restoration. This continuous engagement reinforces the idea that the goal is not to win an argument but to nurture genuine, lasting relationships.

Balancing the Desire to Avoid Conflict with the Need for Dialogue

It’s important to acknowledge the delicate balance between desiring a peaceful community and the necessity of addressing issues that could undermine that peace. The fear of losing people in a small church is real—but so is the danger of becoming overbearing if we try to control every conversation. Our role is to cultivate an atmosphere where conflict is met with wisdom and grace, not with silence or dictatorial overbearing.

A balanced approach requires us to be firm in our convictions while remaining compassionate. This is the art of navigating the narrow line between avoiding necessary confrontation and dictating solutions. Our goal as those in ministry is to empower the congregation to engage in honest dialogue, not to impose our will without consideration. We can be often wired with strong personalities, and clear vision - but this can also be akin to a steamroller as we wear people down to our will. By encouraging constructive disagreement, we show that differences can be a strength, not a weakness.

Respected Christian voices have long affirmed this balanced perspective. J. Oswald Sanders, in Spiritual Leadership, reminds us that leadership is measured not by the absence of conflict but by our ability to steer it toward growth and healing. Similarly, Ken Sande in The Peacemaker argues that true peace comes from reconciliation rather than avoidance. These insights challenge us to see conflict not as a threat to our unity but as a potential catalyst for a deeper, more resilient community.

Embracing Conflict as a Catalyst for Growth

When we reframe our view of conflict, we begin to see it as a tool for refining our character and deepening our relationships. Each time we address a challenging situation with humility and love, we are not only solving a problem—we are participating in God’s redemptive work. Conflict, when handled biblically, has the power to transform a stagnant community into a vibrant fellowship where grace abounds.

In Romans 12:18, Paul exhorts us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This verse is not a command to avoid all discord, but an invitation to pursue peace while accepting that honest, sometimes difficult conversations are part of the journey. The goal is not to eliminate conflict but to ensure that when it arises, it is met with a spirit of reconciliation and an unwavering commitment to the gospel.

Constructive conflict can refine our leadership, deepen trust among members, and ultimately strengthen our church’s witness to the world. When others see that disagreements are handled with transparency and care, they are encouraged to share their own struggles and insights. This openness fosters a community that is resilient, authentic, and continually growing in Christ.

Conclusion

The lie that “I must avoid conflict or people will leave” can be a heavy burden for small church pastors. Yet, when we view conflict through a biblical lens, we see that it is not a sign of failure but an essential element of a living, growing community. Conflict forces us to examine our hearts, refine our character, and pursue reconciliation with courage and humility.

By beginning each difficult conversation with prayer, actively listening, addressing issues privately when possible, and speaking truth in love, we create an environment where conflicts are resolved not with bitterness, but with grace. Establishing a culture of accountability and self-reflection further ensures that the community remains open to growth and change. Our willingness to face conflict head on not only strengthens our leadership but also deepens the bonds of trust among our congregation.

As we move forward, let the words of Romans 8:28 remind us: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Embrace conflict as a catalyst for transformation and trust that God is using every challenge to mold our churches into a more authentic reflection of His love and truth.

Step forward with confidence, knowing that the work of reconciliation is at the heart of our calling. May our leadership inspire others to see that conflict, when addressed with wisdom and grace, is not a threat but an opportunity for genuine growth. In every difficult conversation, may we find the strength to build a community that is bold in its pursuit of Christ, resilient in its unity, and radiant in its witness to the world.

Remember: Our goal is not to eliminate conflict but to transform it into a stepping stone toward a deeper, more vibrant faith. Let our ministry be a testament to the truth that every challenge, every disagreement, is an invitation to experience the transformative power of God’s love. Embrace this truth, and may our churches flourish as a community that is not defined by the absence of conflict, but by the abundant grace that overcomes it.

---

At present, my Substack is free, although if you fancied buying me a coffee to keep me caffeinated and writing click the link below!